Book Review: The Marriage You Want
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| Received my pre-ordered book and study guide! Reshape Your Marriage Story with Healthy, Balanced Principles |
The Marriage You Want by Sheila Wray Gregoire and Dr. Keith Gregoire is a guide that speaks directly to couples in all stages of relationship who are yearning for deeper, more fulfilling relationships. This book stands apart from others on the market by not only addressing the common pitfalls and frustrations in marriages but also offering a tangible roadmap towards healing, growth, and authentic connection. It’s a refreshingly candid dive into the realities that so many couples face behind the often struggling masks of "we're fine."
The Gregoires take on difficult topics like s*xual intimacy, emotional connection, and the often-taboo discussions surrounding marital expectations, tackling them with grace and clarity. The opening chapters set the tone by acknowledging that many couples enter marriage without a true understanding of what a healthy relationship looks like.
"Balance
Affection
Responsibility
Emotional Connection
We're going to debunk and strip away the advice that doesn't work and point you to what it takes to truly thrive in marriage. We're going to treat you like whole people who want and need healthy relationships, and that's exactly what you deserve" (Gregoire & Gregoire, 2025, p. 13). Healthy, intimate marriages are healing, empowering, and fun...many simply haven't learned how to build one, especially if the relationship is not longer new and has baggage.
One of the standout aspects of this book is its focus on healing from past unhealthy patterns and redefining what intimacy truly means. The authors skillfully address the hurts many carry from previous experiences—infusing the narrative with vulnerability that resonates deeply. If you’ve ever felt trapped in a cycle of disappointment or disillusionment, you’re not alone. The Gregoires emphasize the importance of breaking generational patterns that often leave couples feeling stuck. Sheila claims that "[y]ou shouldn't prioritize s*x in your marriage. That's pretty wild coming from someone who has dedicated her life to writing books about s*x, isn't it? Well, we've crunched the numbers, and here's a much better idea: Prioritize the ingredients that make for great s*x, not the frequency of intercourse" (Gregoire & Gregoire, 2025, p. 83). Major, influencing voices in the evangelical sphere in the past have asserted that frequency is tantamount to a healthy s*x life. The data and myriad experiences across surveyed participants from across ethnic, cultural, political, denominational, and linguistic borders have overwhelmingly demonstrated that relational safety and intimacy are foundational, and in relationships based on those concepts, the s*xual intimacy and quality take care of themselves (Gregoire & Gregoire, 2025).
What truly sets this book apart is its practical approach to tackling uncomfortable conversations—those that many couples shy away from, such as conflicting desires and the intricacies of emotional labor within partnerships. The authors present each topic thoughtfully, providing tools and scripts that help couples navigate these discussions. There’s a reassuring sense of hope embedded in their words. In Chapter 4: The Passion You Want, the authors discuss p*rn and p*rnographic style of relating per the data they've analyzed, as well as the advice of another advocate in the space of helping men and women heal from past addictions and harmful neurological pathways:
"s*x with your spouse is not methadone for your s*x addiction because s*x and porn are polar opposites. One says, 'I want to know you,' and the other says, 'I want to use you.' Until you get over the 'I want to use you' part, you'll never see s*x properly or experience real intimacy, and your spouse will keep feeling dehumanized. The key to getting over p*rn is learning to deal with the underlying wounds, fear, and shame that drive you to p*rn, while confronting the feelings of entitlement to s*x that p*rn has fueled. Defeating p*rn takes not just willpower but rather vulnerability and authenticity. Licensed counselor Dr. Andrew Bauman writes frequently about the effects of p*rn, especially on men. He points out that we can't defeat p*rn until we are able to live in authenticity and truth:
Fantasy is an escape from what is real. Whether it be difficult emotions, such as stress, anxiety, or depression, or just the pain that genuine relationship inevitably brings, fantasy relieves those struggles for a moment. While healthy relationships live in the truth, p*rnography helps bolster a life of fantasy that is difficult to undo. Fantasy brings relief but does not bring restoration....For relationships to remain thriving and true, both partners must be committed to voicing complaints, hopes, and desires, and living into what is most true" (Gregoire & Gregoire, 2025, p. 88).
The Marriage You Want is particularly beneficial for couples who are in the trenches of marital struggles and don’t know where to turn. It’s also an invaluable resource for those preparing for marriage, as it lays a robust groundwork for understanding expectations and cultivating mutual respect. Both novice and seasoned couples will find the insights and activities in this book transformative.
For those who have felt the sting of unmet expectations or who resonate with the journey of healing, the Gregoires’ voices will feel like a warm embrace. They encourage readers to learn and practice the principles of building unity, teamwork, friendship, passion, partnership, dependability, understanding, and closeness. They unpack the correct biblical concept of ezer kenegdo and how men and women help sharpen each other, not wear each other down (Gregoire & Gregoire, p. 165-168); they explore how to approach conflict with kindness and curiosity, making sure to prioritize empathy and understanding over being right (Gregoire & Gregoire, p. 171-184); and they explore what trauma is and how, if left unhealed, it incorrectly frames our stories...as "Marc Alan Schelske explains, ' Our stories are the narratives we hold about our own lives. Our stories are the history of the experience, [...] the web of meaning, explanation, and even justification that we've woven around our memories and history'. [...] Due to attachment issues, childhood trauma, abuse, or even just normal hurts and rejections, we've been left feeling like there's something deeply and fundamentally wrong with us. [...] When we don't examine and process our stories, though, they will show up in how we respond to our spouse—becoming sullen, defensive, or aggressive—as we try to hide from what our emotions may be telling us about ourselves" (Gregoire & Gregoire, p. 195).
In a world where marriage often feels like an uphill battle, The Marriage You Want serves as both a guidebook and a beacon of hope. It reminds us that while love is a journey filled with challenges, it can also be a source of true joy and connection. This is a must-read for anyone eager to repair, rebuild, and revitalize their marriage—allowing couples to step into the relationship they’ve always desired, one intentional conversation at a time.
Pick up a copy (and don't forget the study guide, too!) and prepare to transform not just your marriage, but also the legacy you leave for future generations.
References
Gregoire, S.W. & Gregoire, K.R. (2025). The Marriage You Want. Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books.
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