Starting Over

     My sketchpad sits on the shelf, untouched.  My journal, the constant companion of the last couple decades of my life, has dwindled to almost nothing.  I wrote my first letter in over a year just last week.  I don't actually remember the last time I made time to just sit and read something interesting that was unrelated to my job or my schooling.  I hear a lot of mothers say the same.  Difference is, I'm not a mother.  I had expectation that upon getting married, my life would change; I would no longer have to fill as many moments with hobbies or pastimes, because I would be able to do things with my husband, and/or I would get to spend more time building our marriage.  However, after the first few weeks of marriage, I instead have spent the past two years trying frantically to glue pieces of myself back together, hoping against hope that the rejection and unfaithfulness on his part would be replaced with repentance and a new start.  At the end of a 2-year battle to save my marriage, I'm left on the side of the road with nothing to show for the lifetime I spent guarding myself, training, watching, learning, waiting in expectancy for something challenging and beautiful.  And yet, marriage IS beautiful.  I could see that with just the few weeks I spent as a married woman without a third party involved in the relationship.  It is worth fighting for.  It is worth standing up, though utterly destroyed on the inside, dusting myself off, and moving forward.

     I'm still in the uncomfortable place where I am not legally free yet, and still feel bound; I am still married, though he has not valued my fidelity, nor honored my sacrifice of life to help him start over, and continually asks me for a divorce.  I meet new people, and feel awkward telling them my full name, knowing it's only my name for a little while longer.  But God is faithful, when man is not, and He has begun opening my eyes to beauty and joy again in little spurts.  He has given me strength to see new loves or lives and not cry at the loss of my own love and the loss of dreams of my own family.  He has saved certain sunrises and sunsets that show His splendor and majesty, and has pierced my heart with His love and provision in those moments.  I no longer am constantly bathed in my own tears of grieving and pain; I can laugh again without crumbling into weeping moments after.  I have begun going on small adventures again, simply for the thrill of it.  

     I see a blank two-year gap that I wish I could make disappear, and I guess I almost can, though not from my heart.  It's the first major gap in my journal.  The first large expanse of nothingness in my photo diary, since I deleted everything that reminded me of painful things.  I think some days that it would be so nice to just disappear and start life over somewhere else, but then again, I already tried that, and it's very hard for me to "disappear".  I run into people who are connected to me everywhere I turn.  And I've met so many lovely people in Missoula.  And this year will be the first I get to teach two years in a row in the same spot.  I will get to live in the same spot for the longest period since 2003.  I'm close to family.  I can see good things for me here, though I never conceived for a moment I would end up in Missoula.  I still don't love the poorly constructed streets, but I keep my 3rd-world driving techniques fresh, I suppose.  So, to sum up, I have no idea what tomorrow will look like, or the next day.  I'm doing well if I can remember to breathe and smile at least once a day.  But there will be a day, with no more pain, and no more suffering....

Comments

Breann said…
It's so good to hear from you. Know that Katherine and I think if you often and that we love you!
Melissa said…
Hugs for you, my dear friend! I have been praying for you. If you need to run away and enough time off to come this way, I'd love to see you! (So would Leish... we could meet somewhere I'm sure.) Miss you!
~Melissa
Mrs Mussetter said…
I am so sorry Kristel. But I am proud of you for keeping your faith and moving forward. You are an amazing woman and I love you very much. We have a room for you if one of your mini-adventures takes you close to Livingston!
Ayrian Olmstead said…
I love how you write so transparently. There's poignancy, brokenness, and at the same time hope in your words. May the Holy Spirit continue to breathe fresh words to your spirit and awaken holy fire inside you for the Marriage that will never fail. He is our Passionate Bridegroom and we are Living Letters of His Love! You are amazing, my friend!
almadecolor said…
Thank you all! God is faithful. He is Jehovah Jireh, among all the other qualities of His nature, and He truly has provided me with moment-to-moment support, healing, and reminders of His love for me. I appreciate all your support and friendship!

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