Book Review: She Deserves Better
Healing the past generation: Cultivating a vibrant next
Many of us can identify with the horrid drop in the pit of one’s stomach known as disillusionment. I sit at my work desk, contemplating how to adequately pen this review. I am an intelligent, independent, professional woman who, by all rights, had an amazing childhood. I followed the “good girl formula” of Purity Culture. I never dated as a teen, I was commonly labeled a “Goody Two-Shoes”, and saved my first kiss for 45 minutes before I married…the first time. I justified everything that should have been a red flag warning me to run far and fast in the opposite direction. However, I justified everything because I had ingested all the teachings, and I believed that because I followed all the “rules”, my marriage would be something out of a romance novel (a good, Christian one, of course!)
The day after my wedding, I heard my then-husband lie on the phone about having married me and where we were. The bottom of my stomach dropped out and I felt physically ill. But I just thought, “Hey, it’s just like ‘Angel and the Badman’ (1947), and if I pray harder, love him better…he will transform into a truth-telling man of character.” After I discovered his affair, I still fought with everything in me to 1) not tell people what was really happening so they wouldn’t judge him if he decided to repent and reconcile 2) convince myself that it was still okay…rather than ‘Angel and the Badman’, we could have a testimony like Hosea and Gomer. Over the next two years, I battled with every fiber of my being to be enough to convince him to leave his mistress and his addiction to work to repair what he broke in our marriage and build a life together. I read all the books. I lived out all the popular marriage book advice. But I “knew” I was broken, damaged goods, and that God hated divorce. I struggled to accept the divorce when it came due to the shame I felt for having saved my “greatest treasure” for marriage thinking it would be the glue that held us together forever.
I lived the tragic reality of ingesting the false message that “abstinence [is] the cornerstone of one’s identity” (Gregoire, Lindenbach, & Sawatsky, 2023, p. 14) and that because I no longer had that treasure to give someone, any marriage afterward would be unfulfilling. It felt it was my fault for being stupid enough to fall for a liar in the first place. After all, I had counseled countless others on choosing a healthy life spouse. She Deserves Better holds line after line of clarity for me. It brings so much clarity to what I experienced growing up, during my first marriage, adjusting as a mother who wants to change the legacy I leave my children. I want to leave a legacy impressed on their hearts that bears healthy, good fruit, not one “for compost” (Gregoire, Lindenbach, & Sawatsky, 2023, p. 16).
This book empowers readers by naming the experiences or teaching for what they really were, thereby helping readers identify, process, and start to draw truly healthy boundaries. It defines and shows examples of the common psychology term DARVO and how it might play out in a church or youth group setting (Gregoire, Lindenbach, & Sawatsky, 2023, p. 64). Chapter 4 not only teaches what healthy boundaries look like, but it also shows some examples of Jesus himself drawing boundaries for his own well-being (Gregoire, Lindenbach, & Sawatsky, 2023, p. 79). In addition to boundaries, it has wonderful advice for equipping daughters (and I would add sons here, too) to feel “secure in [her/his[ permission to do things like:
speak up firmly and say no [...] [to harassment] even when it has social consequences.
limit the time [...] [spent] talking to [friends who are emotionally draining].
leave a friend group that makes” [her/him feel less than “enough”] (Gregoire, Lindenbach, & Sawatsky, 2023, p. 83).
“Purity culture did not set out to hurt a generation of Christian teens; it set out to save them” (Gregoire, Lindenbach, & Sawatsky, 2023, p. 99). It was trying to keep teens from engaging in high-risk behavior and ending up as parents before they were emotionally or economically stable/mature enough to be parents. She Deserves Better suggests some practical, data-based reasons to teach children to reserve physical intimacy for marriage (Gregoire, Lindenbach, & Sawatsky, 2023, p. 156-157).
I’ll wrap up. This powerful book teaches parents how to emphasize value as an image-bearer of God over status as a virgin or a “modest”, dutiful young lady. It is so healing for women who grew up with these messages even if not parents, and very accessible for those trying to become better parents. Read this book! It will change your life and those of generations to come!
Many of us can identify with the horrid drop in the pit of one’s stomach known as disillusionment. I sit at my work desk, contemplating how to adequately pen this review. I am an intelligent, independent, professional woman who, by all rights, had an amazing childhood. I followed the “good girl formula” of Purity Culture. I never dated as a teen, I was commonly labeled a “Goody Two-Shoes”, and saved my first kiss for 45 minutes before I married…the first time. I justified everything that should have been a red flag warning me to run far and fast in the opposite direction. However, I justified everything because I had ingested all the teachings, and I believed that because I followed all the “rules”, my marriage would be something out of a romance novel (a good, Christian one, of course!)
The day after my wedding, I heard my then-husband lie on the phone about having married me and where we were. The bottom of my stomach dropped out and I felt physically ill. But I just thought, “Hey, it’s just like ‘Angel and the Badman’ (1947), and if I pray harder, love him better…he will transform into a truth-telling man of character.” After I discovered his affair, I still fought with everything in me to 1) not tell people what was really happening so they wouldn’t judge him if he decided to repent and reconcile 2) convince myself that it was still okay…rather than ‘Angel and the Badman’, we could have a testimony like Hosea and Gomer. Over the next two years, I battled with every fiber of my being to be enough to convince him to leave his mistress and his addiction to work to repair what he broke in our marriage and build a life together. I read all the books. I lived out all the popular marriage book advice. But I “knew” I was broken, damaged goods, and that God hated divorce. I struggled to accept the divorce when it came due to the shame I felt for having saved my “greatest treasure” for marriage thinking it would be the glue that held us together forever.
I lived the tragic reality of ingesting the false message that “abstinence [is] the cornerstone of one’s identity” (Gregoire, Lindenbach, & Sawatsky, 2023, p. 14) and that because I no longer had that treasure to give someone, any marriage afterward would be unfulfilling. It felt it was my fault for being stupid enough to fall for a liar in the first place. After all, I had counseled countless others on choosing a healthy life spouse. She Deserves Better holds line after line of clarity for me. It brings so much clarity to what I experienced growing up, during my first marriage, adjusting as a mother who wants to change the legacy I leave my children. I want to leave a legacy impressed on their hearts that bears healthy, good fruit, not one “for compost” (Gregoire, Lindenbach, & Sawatsky, 2023, p. 16).
This book empowers readers by naming the experiences or teaching for what they really were, thereby helping readers identify, process, and start to draw truly healthy boundaries. It defines and shows examples of the common psychology term DARVO and how it might play out in a church or youth group setting (Gregoire, Lindenbach, & Sawatsky, 2023, p. 64). Chapter 4 not only teaches what healthy boundaries look like, but it also shows some examples of Jesus himself drawing boundaries for his own well-being (Gregoire, Lindenbach, & Sawatsky, 2023, p. 79). In addition to boundaries, it has wonderful advice for equipping daughters (and I would add sons here, too) to feel “secure in [her/his[ permission to do things like:
speak up firmly and say no [...] [to harassment] even when it has social consequences.
limit the time [...] [spent] talking to [friends who are emotionally draining].
leave a friend group that makes” [her/him feel less than “enough”] (Gregoire, Lindenbach, & Sawatsky, 2023, p. 83).
“Purity culture did not set out to hurt a generation of Christian teens; it set out to save them” (Gregoire, Lindenbach, & Sawatsky, 2023, p. 99). It was trying to keep teens from engaging in high-risk behavior and ending up as parents before they were emotionally or economically stable/mature enough to be parents. She Deserves Better suggests some practical, data-based reasons to teach children to reserve physical intimacy for marriage (Gregoire, Lindenbach, & Sawatsky, 2023, p. 156-157).
I’ll wrap up. This powerful book teaches parents how to emphasize value as an image-bearer of God over status as a virgin or a “modest”, dutiful young lady. It is so healing for women who grew up with these messages even if not parents, and very accessible for those trying to become better parents. Read this book! It will change your life and those of generations to come!
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